I have been living in American Midwest,
Despite good intentions, I have found that yes, it’s true, the
My observations of the Midwest are not of an up and coming indie city like
- Jesus has risen, apparently in the
Midwest. People here love Jesus. A lot. Driving around with my dad, I was blinded by Christ’s light, finding that 1 in every 10 cars had God as their co-pilot. “God Saves” and “God is Love” adorned lots of midsize sedans. A sticker of kids praying at a cross decorated the back of a pickup truck. What happened to Calvin peeing on a ford sign? Driving across the state, I saw a billboard stating “90 percent of women regret their abortions.” I’d pay my last $20 to see where they got their "research," but it was sponsored by a church, so it must be true. I have driven a lot around this country and I have never seen so many Jesus car stickers as I have in the Midwest. Barak Obama said that people in this country cling to guns and religion because they do.
- Everyone is overweight and tragically unfashionable. Every time I leave my house, I feel like I am at the mall, which is really nightmarish. Girls love Aeropostale, Pac Sun, and hair-straighteners. Dudes love looking like bros. My father is a known weightist (a made-up word for the dislike of heifers) and while he says, “Jesus! Look at that person! She can barely get out of her car!” I try to defend the 300 lb woman, stating she probably doesn’t have the education of or luxury to good food and exercise. But, I am really smirking and agreeing with my “make sure you get a run in” father.
Midwesthas the reputation for being friendly. I don’t know how that came to be because everyone here is an asshole. I had some tacky girl (see no. 2) at a coffee shop give me major attitude about grinding some whole beans for me. For some reason, the pissed-off, I hate you/me barista attitude is more acceptable if it comes from a good looking, well-dressed, or barista/screen-printer and not from some 17-year-old who loves sparkly shirts and Rhiannon’s new single .
- The accent is unbearable; think Eliza Doolittle (thank you, Emily) meets the cartoon matriarch of Bobby’s World. The
Midwestaccent is thought of as honest and earnest, but I think it makes people sound stupid, country, and uncultured. But maybe you just hate what you are: there is proof (on video!) that at age 5, I had a god-awful Midwestern accent: “Asked” was “aaased.” Luckily I moved to New Yorkshortly after and I lost the Midwestaccent without gaining a Long Island accent. However, occasionally, I will still call my father “Ded” not “Daaad.” And to be fair, I hate almost all accents unless they are derived from Europe. Southern? Long Island? Cringe.
What I hate most about the Midwest is what I hate most about the