My Gears Keep Grinding.

Would you marry this guy, let alone take his name?

I welcome you back to the second edition of "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears." I've been on hiatus, not because there isn't plenty to grind my gears, but because I've had better things to do. Luckily my schedule is now wide open (as in, really, I have nothing else better to do).

As some of you know, I hate to love (or love to hate, I can't decide) celebrities. And I really love to hate worthless celebrity "news." But what I really hate to hate is worthless and all-around talentless celebrities. Two shining turds of example are "musicians" Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Wentz is best know for being in some shitty band, posting presumably horrifying naked photos on his livejournal, and for being a sort of dude-loving bisexual. Ashlee Simpson is best know for spelling "Ashley" the wrong way, being someones sister, and sucking. You'd assume that when two talentless wrongs get together, they'd make a who-the-hell-cares. But in our sad and rapidly sinking world of reality TV and mass-produced crap, these people are golden tabloid fodder.

The two chart toppers recently made "news" with a shot gun wedding (that's right, sterilization is still illegal- among white people, that is- so these stars reproducing). More recently, Ashlee made news by taking her husbands name. Really? How Shocking: the daughter of a Texas pastor takes her husband's name. Call CNN! (actually, Yahoo!News.) It's almost as shocking that the "artists" rushed to the alter after Pete, some how, some way, knocked up Ashlee. God knows still knows your sins, ya'll. But good for you, Christians, for making your bastard child legit. Ashlee Simpson, excuse me Ashlee Wentz, let me cheer for your bravery in standing up to liberal Hollywood by taking your eye-liner wearing husband's last name.

Now, this isn't the first time that I've been peeved about names. I wrote about the news media referring to Hillary Clinton as Mrs. Clinton instead of the proper Ms. Clinton. I've always been fascinated with names and no, I don't think a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet. But whole name game is part of a bigger problem: the public still has a sick satisfaction and deep-seated need to attach women, married or not, with some man. If Clinton demanded that she be addressed as Ms. Clinton, would housewives in Missouri still stand up and cheer? Just some people feel uneasy or confused not knowing the racial background of a biracial person, some people feel equally dissatisfied with not knowing if a "Ms." or Suzy Smith-Jones is married. The fact is that we like people neat and tied up with a bow, especially women.

I don't care that Ashlee Simpson took her bisexual husband's last name and with deaths in Burma, China, and Iraq, who should care? It's hardly newsworthy when that actor, painter, businesswoman, or stay-at-home mom keeps her own name, even though she is balking a patriarchal tradition every time she does it.

So while traditionalist and anti-feminists squeal with delight at the news of Ashlee Wentz, I will continue to value important news and true equality. Not to mention real music. And if you hadn't already guessed, I will remain by the same name until I die, regardless of whether I am married, single, or bisexual like Pete Wentz.